I love blogging so much that sometimes I lie awake at night and think up things to blog about. Wait, no, now that I think about it, it’s not the blog that keeps me up at night; it’s Clay’s snoring. He’s very gifted. I mean, anyone can snore, right? But it takes a special kind of ability to snore so loudly that you wake yourself up. Sometimes when he’s really in a zone, he can wake everyone in the house. It’s kind of hard not to appreciate his abilities, but I’m not gonna lie. There was a night last week when I wished I’d asked Santa for a taser.
Sleep is funny. They say that, while sleeping, the average person swallows 8 spiders per year, right? Scratch that – I just checked the validity of that little factoid on snopes, and it’s a big fat lie…which is nice, because had it been true, I might have trouble sleeping tonight even if the gifted snorer has an off-night. But even without swallowing spiders, a lot of crazy stuff happens when we’re asleep. If you think about it, there are probably a lot of interesting things that have happened to you, or around you, while you were asleep – blog-worthy anecdotes that would have the masses loling. Think of all the unaccounted hours of your life; anything could have happened during those 8 hours/night. But since we’re mostly unconscious when we’re asleep, we can’t tell those stories. We’ll have to settle for these on this list Wednesday:
The snortle. Okay, I made that name up just now. But you know exactly what I’m talking about. The snortle is less predictable than a snore, and more frightening than a snort, since it happens when you’re unconscious. It’s a cross between a snort and a chortle. But I digress. No matter what you want to call it, it’s that involuntary noise that comes without warning and scares the bejeebers out of you. It’s way worse than that falling off a cliff thing, mainly because it takes you a few seconds to realize that no heart attack was involved.
Napper’s fog. This phenomenon can make what seems natural on a Sunday afternoon become a major life decision. Take a nap, and you risk waking up not knowing who you are, where you’ve been, or what you’ve been doing. It’s 30 seconds of amnesia. Even after the fog begins to lift and the amnesia clears, you feel angry inside and don’t want anyone to talk to you. Or maybe that’s just me.
The sleep-walker/talker. As the story goes, one time early in our marriage, I had stolen Clay’s pillow in my sleep. He was trying to wrestle it away from me and I said in a rather mean voice, “STOP IT!” He explained, “You have my pillow,” to which I viciously replied, “I don’t care. Stop it, anyway!” Apparently, there is a lot of anger that is expressed in one’s sleep. Or maybe that’s just me. But generally, I think that the sleep-walker/talker is the most fun sleeper around, at least for everyone else. We have a gifted one of these in our house as well, and I’m prohibited from sharing his sleep-walker stories here on the blog, so you’ll just have to take my word for it. But one of those stories involves a 5-year-old, his toy-box, a fireman’s hat turned upside down, and a lot of urine.
The cover-stealer. A person should be able to turn from one side to the other without carrying all the covers with him in the process. If the covers are touching the floor on your side of the bed and the person next to you is shivering, you need to take a class in turning. Come on, people, this is a valuable life skill.
The cuddler v. the non-cuddler. I’m just saying, if you put your foot on me, chances are strong to very strong that you’re gonna get kicked. In the love of Jesus, of course.
The sleep liar. I can say it because I used to be one. My parents would come in to wake me up in the morning and I would shoot straight up in bed and proclaim, “I’m awake!” I’d even crack a joke or two just for good measure. 30 minutes later, they’d find me sound asleep, and I never had any recollection of the prior “Hey, time to wake-up” experience. So now I have one of these in my own home, and he’s really good at it. He pulls off the whole awake-thing pretty convincingly. That’s why, now, I send in the dog.
Morning breath. It’s scary enough to wake up with a child’s face 6 inches from your own; add morning breath to that scenario, and you’ve got yourself the possibility of a snortle.
What about you? What’s your favorite sleep oddity or story?