Sometimes I think about how different life would have been if I had grown up in the Internet age. Like, when I get on Instagram and see that one of my kids has posted a picture of me that I had no idea they had taken. Or, when I get on Twitter and see something I said to one of the aforementioned children in quotes, retweeted, and favorited by dozens of their friends.
I feel like my parents and I missed out, in a way. I’m certain I would have excelled at using them as social media material, and even more certain they would have excelled at correcting me for it.
But sadly, the only practical means of social media back then was shoe polish. Or, if you were really well connected, a water tower or electronic message board at Wrigley Field. I mean, just think about how much more Ferris Bueller could have accomplished on his day off if he’d had wifi.
Then again, social media surely would have meant that Ferris would’ve been busted by 10 am. Someone would have taken his picture at the Art Institute or top of the Sears Tower and sent it to his parents, well before he and his friends had time to enjoy lunch at Chez Quiz.
Ferris isn’t the only one who would’ve gotten himself in trouble with the World Wide Web back then. It’s List Wednesday, so let’s be honest.
Some reasons it’s good there was no Internet when I was younger:
I would have developed an unhealthy obsession with Scott Baio. Also, possibly Kevin Bacon, Matt Dillon, and Kirk Cameron. It’s not that Teen Beat didn’t help me out a little bit with those mini posters to hang in my locker. It’s just that Google images offer so much more…and all in the palm of your hand.
I would have subtweeted the mess out of people. That’s right, I’m talking about you.
Facebook check-ins, Insta pics, and Vine videos would have surely made public certain locations and activities that should be kept private. Like the night my best friend Joy and I sat in her Chevy Vega and staked out Craig Hartley’s house. Or the other time my parents were out of town and we smoked cigars and played Skip-bo at the kitchen table
Chances are strong to very strong that I would have live-tweeted my c-section. Not the first one, because I was unconscious for that. But the second, planned c-section, definitely would’ve worked. “@csectiondoctors hello, could you please stop talking about the golf game you’re planning for later? At least until you have my uterus back inside my body, if it’s not too much to ask #kthanks”
I wouldn’t have had nearly enough time to cover for my brothers because I would have been too busy taking selfies in the bathroom mirror. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Now it’s your turn. Would you have gotten into trouble if the Internet had been around when you were younger?