If I made a television mini-series on the Bible…

I’m a big fan of The Bible, so it makes sense that I’ve been watching the History Channel’s mini-series, along with 10 million other people every Sunday night. I think it must be really hard to capture the whole Bible story in just 10 hours of film. Come to think of it, it’s probably closer to 7 hours if you don’t count all those Christian Mingle commercials.

Anyway, I’m trying to say that I think the people who are criticizing Mark Burnett should have to be contestants on his other show, Survivor, so they’ll learn their lesson and maybe be more appreciative of things.

Me? I’m not criticizing Mark Burnett in the least. I think the show is great. And unless Christian Mingle decides to defer to Rob Bell in their ads from now on, I don’t even mind the commercials too much.

You see, I’ve never spent 4 years making a television mini-series with younger generations as my target audience and Rick Warren as one of my advisors. I probably would have given up the day Hollywood said, “You can do it as long as you don’t mention Jesus.” Much like I would fake an injury just 3 minutes into Survivor.

That said, it is List Wednesday, and there are some things I’d like to point out that I’d do differently if I made a mini-series on The Bible. Not better, you understand; just different.

Noah in a kilt playing bagpipes when he comes off the ark. I just think that if you’re gonna give the guy a Scottish accent, you might as well go all out.

samsonLess variety in men’s hairstyles. I totally get why John the Baptist had dreadlocks. That fits. But I have to say that after seeing Samson’s dreads and Daniel’s curly perm parted right down the middle, I got a little nervous that Jesus might show up at the Jordan River with a chili bowl.

The angel who visited Joseph and Mary would take a bath in the crystal sea before making his appearance. I mean, I guess an angel could have dirty fingernails. I just don’t know why he would.

Eclectic soundtrack. Read Psalm 55; in particular, verses 15 and 23. Those are song lyrics, y’all. If given the option, I think David would’ve smashed his lyre over his knee, swung his hair down in his eyes, and played death metal on an electric guitar. He probably would have liked Hillsong okay, but deep down, he was more of a Skillet guy. Abraham would have a Bebo Norman playlist on Pandora. Samson would set his alarm to Lecrae. And Noah would know the words to Jars of Clay’s Flood by heart.

More close-up shots on Jeremiah’s eyebrows. Those things should get an Emmy for Outstanding Wiriness.

Ban all teeth whitening products during production. There’s so much white-teeth pressure these days. And I expect that from shows like The Bachelor. But I sure didn’t expect it from those two Jericho spies who wandered through the desert for decades without a toothbrush between them.

More stories you never heard in children’s Sunday School. I guess that Joseph’s coat of many colors seemed better on a flannel graph than Zedekiah having his eyes gouged out. Not on the History Channel, though.

What about you? What are your non-critical thoughts on the first 3 episodes of The History Channel’s The Bible?

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Kathy Howard

When Jesus was born, I’d have some of those visitors to the stable bring food. After all, isn’t that what we do when a baby arrives? How about a chicken casserole or a chocolate layer cake. I’m sure Mary and Joseph were starving!

Cynthia

You know they had to be hungry:) I did love that scene, though, with them all bowed down on their faces. I want a nativity that looks like that.

Tandy Adams

I’m with you on people being so critical. No way they could have incorporated everything into 10 hours. I have enjoyed it if for no other reason than my 12 year old son is watching with me and it has caused him to dig into his Old Testament and find out how accurate the series really is. Anything that causes a kid to put down his video games and open his Bible is a hit with me. One thing I would change would be Mary…she seemed a little too pale to me and not sure she had highlights.

Kendall

I’d have included the story of Balaam and his donkey. And I would have gotten Eddie Murphy to play the voice of the donkey. Who wants some waffles, Balaam?

Lynn Pryor

I would have had Bruce Willis and/or Arnold Schwarzenegger play the angels who kicked pagan butt at Sodom. They’re old enough, they may even been there.

Casey

I didn’t realize there was Botox in Old Testament times. Delilah’s lips were definitely injected the day she met Samson. Must have been what drew him in.

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