It seems relatively easy to get yourself on TV these days. I mean, from the looks of the show, Hoarders, you don’t even have to do anything, besides make sure someone knows that you’re a slob and have not thrown away one Sonic cup in 10 years of daily Happy Hour visits.
I’m not condoning such behavior. It seems to me that after there were, say, 8 styrofoam cups in your living room, you’d have a hard time ignoring the need to gather and chunk. I mean, even with a bad case of the bird flu I think I’d find the energy to drag my lifeless body to the trashcan. But today, I did clean out my car, and it seems I really have no room to judge. I’m pretty sure only about 14.28% of the junk I found can be traced back to me, but still. It wasn’t pretty.
Here are the 7 most horrifying things I found:
Petrified French Fry. I’ve been in some of your cars, and I’m pretty sure I’m not alone in this one. If you eat on the run, with children, it’s nearly a guarantee that a fry or two has made it to the floor or gotten lost in between the seats.
Dirty Dish Rag. I have no idea. I can only assume that someone spilled something and at least made an attempt to clean it up with said rag. So really, this one almost made me a little bit proud.
Boxer Shorts. Again, no idea. I think it would be hard for me to miss someone buck naked in my car, and I honestly have no recollection of such an episode. Still, the boxers are hard to ignore. It’s more likely they fell out of someone’s bag. I think I can narrow the owner down to 2 people, but after that, someone is gonna have to step forward.
Petrified Tater Tot. This one is a little harder to explain than the fry. Fries are long and skinny. Tots are chunky and cylindrical. If I could find about 999 more of these in the recesses of my vehicle, hello, reality show.
Subway Coupons. I got mad when I found these. Because I’ve been to Subway, thinking I was couponless. Those buy one get one free’s would’ve come in handy.
Foreign Coins. I’d like to have a really great explanation for this, like, when I got back to my car in airport parking after a trip to Zimbabwe, they slipped out of my pocket. I’ve made no such trip. I don’t even know what country produces such coinage. I could be a millionaire there.
That Thing Stuck on the Floor Mat. Don’t judge me. You’ve all had your own thing stuck on the floor mat, too. The point to discuss isn’t, “Why, Cynthia?” It’s, “How do you get it off?”
I’d like to say that I’m telling you all this so that I could make some sort of deep spiritual application. The truth is, I just thought it would be fun to find out what horrifying things you find in your car. If I decide to go for it with the Sonic cups or tater tots, I want to know my competition. So go ahead, clean out your car. I dare you. Then comment here what you find. It’ll be fun for all of us, and it will distract my mom, who has never seen a piece of trash she didn’t pick up, and upon reading this post now feels like she failed me somehow.