There s(hould be) an app for that

jury dutyWhen I found out that I had jury duty a few weeks ago, naturally, I looked for an app that would give me a list of good excuses, or one that would emit an EMP as I walked through the metal detector at the courthouse. I didn’t want to be arrested (although, that would probably make an excellent List Wednesday post); I just wanted them to kick me out of the building.

I found neither such app. In fact, the only jury-related app I saw was one for lawyers to make notes about potential jurors, such as myself, in order to determine who they wish to select or dismiss. How fair is that? Lawyers get to play on their iPads, making notes and probably funny caricatures of potential jurors, but jurors have no app to help them  (sans the always entertaining Plumber’s Crack).

Anyway, I didn’t have a chance to fret over it for long. As soon as I arrived at the courthouse, I was informed that jury duty had been canceled for the day.

As I whistled a happy tune on my way back to the car, I started thinking about my near miss with app-less jury duty. Why have I just given attention to apps that shouldn’t exist? I should be more of a forward thinker, and give the app-makers ideas, since they seem to be missing out on some key areas of everyday life.

The EMP app is probably way ahead of its time, and likely illegal, but what about these ideas?

Lie detector app. There are fake lie detector apps out there, so it’s clear that I’m not the first to have this thought. But once people get to a certain age, I bet they don’t fall for the pretend version too much. That’s why I think it would be neat to have an app that’s an actual polygraph machine. Not that I would need that for my children, but I have heard that other parents might find it useful.

Taser app. I think I’ve been pretty clear about why I need this. I don’t want to hurt anyone, unless, of course, they’re snoring or trying to mug me. I feel like everyone would be responsible with it, too. I know I would, because carrying around your own electroshock weapon is serious business.

Hot plate app. Sometimes when you pick up food in the drive-thru, it’s cold by the time you get home. But if you could kick up the temperature on the screen of your iPhone to 200°F, that wouldn’t happen. Sure, there would be some dangers involved, but I think that we can all agree that hot waffle fries are well worth the risk.

Clapper app. There is a clapper app already, but it’s just for applause. I’m talking about an app that would pick up a beat and clap along with a song. This would be helpful when, let’s say, the worship pastor at your church instructs everyone to clap. Some people might not be very big on clapping, and they feel conspicuous because they sit at the front, and all the teenagers who sit right behind them are aware of this no-clapping preference, so they aim all their claps directly at that person. Hypothetically. With the clapper app, she could just turn around and flash her clapping phone at them, which is, by this time, blowing their pitiful hand claps right out of the pew. Wah-lah, problem solved.

Lint remover app. I haven’t actually fleshed this idea out just yet. I kind of doubt that anyone would want lint collecting inside their phone, so it would probably need to come with a little bag attachment. Or maybe it could have a special lint-collecting compartment. I never said it was a good idea.

Radar detector app. Really, you should only need this type of app on your phone if the hot plate app isn’t functioning correctly. Or, if you think you’re not going to make it to jury duty on time.

What app ideas do you have?

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Tandy Adams

How about an app to determine your teenage daughters mood before she walks in the door after school? Or, an app that would zap whoever it is in your house that leaves dirty clothes next to the hamper instead of in it?
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