There s(houldn’t be) an app for that

I’d just like to preface the first non-italicized sentence by saying that someone else searched for it and installed it. I didn’t. I innocently found it on my iPad. Promise. Sometimes I play Plumber’s Crack.

My guess is that the vision for the game came when some creative app/game developer stood in his or her kitchen waiting for the plumber to finish working under the sink. Also, that visionary app-maker was holding a cup of ice.

plumber's crack

The object of Plumber’s Crack is to toss ice cubes into the pants of a plumber who is working diligently in the kitchen. Yes, I realize that it is unfair for plumbers to be marginalized in such a way. After all, anyone who wears the jeans that are made these days struggles with the problem of keeping them up. But you have to move past your objections to the blatant generalizations the game makes if you want to get a good score. It’s a game of speed and accuracy, and it seems pretty realistic…except for the part where the poor plumber doesn’t even feel the cold, hard ice pelt him in the backside or notice the wetness as the ice most surely melts next to his skin.

Also, if you’re writing a blog about that app and search Google for a picture of it, you should make sure you type, “plumber’s crack app” instead of just “plumber’s crack.” Big difference in search results.

When I first saw Plumber’s Crack, I thought it might be the most pointless, ridiculous app ever created. I was wrong. I’ve looked around. There are some other apps that make Plumber’s Crack look like the greatest technological advancement since Al Gore invented the Internet.

I don’t want to be judged because I have Plumber’s Crack on my iPad. So it wouldn’t be fair for me to judge you. But if I find out that you use any of the following apps, I can’t guarantee I won’t lim.

iphone-blower-appiPhone blower. I can only guess that this app was intended to help 2 types of people: those who are too lazy to blow out their own candles, and those who suffer from emphysema. As for me, I think I’ll forgo the candle blowing and hold out for an app that’s strong enough to blow leaves off my back porch.

Hang time. Yes, that’s a great idea. Throw your iPhone up as high as you can and let this app calculate the time it takes for you to catch it, or miss and watch it break into 27 little pieces on the ground.

Inap@work. I’m not gonna lie. This one seemed pretty legit, at first. I mean, Ferris Bueller did it in reverse with that recording of himself sleeping that he used to fool his parents on his day off. I’m just not sure those fake pencil sharpener noises will work the same way on your boss. You just have to weigh the pros and cons. A good nap is definitely worth 99 cents. Getting fired? Probably not.

my name is

My name is. Granted, no one likes to wear a name tag. I just don’t think that holding your iPhone up with your electronic name badge as you walk around the convention center or job fair is going to help you make the right kind of connections. I feel like, in this case, it’s probably best to stay in the proverbial box.

Similar to the name tag app is Respect my authority and Undercover Detective. It just seems to me that if someone were confronting you in a threatening manner, and you had time to pull out your iPhone to show them your fake Jack Bauer CTU badge, you would also have time to dial 911. But maybe that’s just me.

iTazer. If this thing worked like a real taser, it would be as cool as the rotary phone in Maxwell Smart’s shoe. Sadly, it’s not. iTazer is the “safe and effective alternative to current controversial stun weapons found on the market. Just the sound of its loud electrical clacking noise, vibrating rattle, and the sight of the high-voltage arc are enough to send even the hardest criminals fleeing, screaming like a little girl.” I had the taser app on my phone for awhile, for obvious reasons. And while the sound it made did startle a few people, it didn’t put any one of them on the ground. #disappointed

toilet time

Toilet Time. It seems that some people need an app with alarms and history logs and such to hold them accountable for the amount of time they spend on the toilet. I’d just like to point out that if you’re playing Temple Run and Angry Birds in the bathroom, there are some issues you need to confront that fall outside the realm of this particular List Wednesday. Nevertheless, I said I wouldn’t judge. So, carry on, friends.




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