This football season has been so much fun. Texas A&M (class of ’91 right here, y’all) had an awesome season, the Houston Texans did pretty great, too, for awhile, and even our local high school team ended most Friday nights with a win. Maybe that’s why I’m sad the Super Bowl is this weekend. I mean, sure, this Sunday means parties, funny commercials, and a much needed brush up in Roman numerology, but it also means the end of football for 7 whole months.
Not only that, but this particular Super Bowl has made me realize that some of my life goals are out of reach. I’m 43 years old. I think that if I was going to be asked to headline the Super Bowl halftime show, it probably would have happened by now. Some dreams just don’t come true (unless your name is Beyonce’). I do have others, though. There are some things about football that I dream can one day be a more regular part of daily life:
The foam finger. Once you’ve worn a foam finger, you begin to realize how feeble-looking your own pointer really is. Sometimes, try as you might, you just can’t get your waitress’s attention with a normal finger. I bet she’d bring another basket of chips if you started waving one of those giant purple foamy fingers around, though. Also, “Check, please.”
Noisemakers. You know, for celebratory purposes. But not the cow bell – those should be banned. My friend carries a mini vuvuzela with her to football games. I admit, more than once I have wanted to grab it out of her hands and snap it in half over my knee, but deep down inside I’m jealous, and I long to blow it myself. There are plenty of non-sporty times in life when I think it’s appropriate. Like just the other day when I actually picked the right checkout line at Walmart. No one in front of me had to run to the back to automotive for a fuse so their cigarette lighter would work, the cashier didn’t stop to go on break, and the scanner didn’t have one bit of trouble scanning. If’ I’d had a horn, I would’ve blown it.
Football themed party foods. It just makes everything so much more festive. That’s why I think that every lunch should include party foods. Look me in the eyes and tell me you wouldn’t love to see a crockpot of lil smokies in the break room tomorrow around noon. There are drawbacks, though. Like when you thought your touchdown taco dip was the hit of the party, til someone walked in with this bad boy. ——————–> Thanks Pinterest. Also, those buffalo chicken cupcakes your boss’s wife brought were horrific.
The red challenge flag. Wouldn’t it be great if we could institute a red challenge flag system in real life? You’d tuck one of those babies in your sock and head out the door to work, church, or school with newfound joy and confidence. And just think of the possibilities in courtrooms, presidential debates, and used car lots. Those little guys really fly, too; seems like about 20 yards on the football field sometimes. Of course, there would have to be a rule that everyone only gets one challenge flag for the whole year, otherwise we’d likely never get anything done.
Mascots. Why should sports be the only ones who use them? Why not churches? As long as no one picked goats, that is. Come to think of it, I guess politics has them, too; but they don’t maximize them very well. More people might tune into the presidential debates if they had a half-time show where some guy in an elephant suit did back-flips across the stage, and a donkey jumped off a mini-tramp into the crowd for a few minutes of body surfing. I also think the Libertarians should consider changing their mascot. It’s just my opinion, but the penguin doesn’t seem to instill much confidence, and is probably the very thing has been holding them back.
Whistles. Referees use them to signal penalties and timeouts and such. Well, there are plenty of infractions happening around us every day that no one seems to call out. I’m just saying that maybe that guy at the mall might not wear his pants belted down below his rear end if people blew whistles more freely. Also, the waitress would get those chips out faster.