My man knows the way to my heart, and it starts around 8 a.m. in the Chick-fil-A drive thru. I’m a simple girl. Really, all I require on Valentine’s Day is a heart-shaped chicken biscuit and a large Coke Zero. Oh, and a pedicure. Those are always nice, too.
I think that’s where Bryan Doomaflachi (I can’t remember his last name) went wrong. He was my boyfriend in the 8th grade, and he was beautiful. He had long, wavy blonde hair. But good hair only gets you so far in life. Bryan bought one of those giant Valentine cards and brought it to me at school. I couldn’t fit it in my locker.
The thing was just too big, which turned out to be a metaphor for our romance – Bryan’s love was too big for my still small, adolescent heart. His 3 foot tall declaration was too much, too soon, so I broke up with him. That very day.
Before you start calling me cold-hearted for breaking up with my boyfriend on Valentine’s Day while holding the 3′ tall card he bought me, remember I was in jr. high. Bryan and I never would have lasted, anyway. Especially since I didn’t even seem to know his last name. No, Bryan needed a girl who wouldn’t be annoyed by his extravagant expressions of love, and someone with better hair than I had.
Valentine’s Day is tricky. Gift-giving with the intent to express love is a risk, for sure. That’s why I always get Clay a gift certificate to go play golf with his buddy. Once I went with him, but golf is a really long, boring game. And golf courses tend to frown upon wives doing donuts with the golf carts, which pretty much killed the whole experience for me. Anyway, I’ve learned that golf is Clay’s love language. I can’t go wrong with golf on Valentine’s Day.
But maybe you haven’t landed on the perfect Valentine’s Day gift for the one you love. I don’t want you to crash and burn like poor Bryan what’s-his-name. I can’t tell you what the perfect gift is for you to give; that’s something you’ll have to figure out on your own. But, what I can do is tell you what not to get. In addition to the giant I LOVE YOU billboard-like greeting card, here are a few things you should probably stay away from this year.
The Rebtel Re:Beat app. Granted, it might seem romantic to share a personalized recording of your heartbeat on Twitter or Facebook with that special someone. But let me tell you something: it’s not. People make fun of that kind of stuff. And by people, I mean me.
Sappy cards. I don’t know how many people would agree with me on this, but I’d rather get a card that makes me laugh, or a blank card on which my love pens something meaningful with his own hand than a mushy card that some kid in Montana also bought for his 12-year-old girlfriend.
Send a Rose Lite app. We women say we don’t want you to spend money on flowers, because they’re just going to die anyway. We say lots of things. But still we smile when the UPS guy brings them to the door. We can’t smell and touch a virtual rose. And we sure aren’t going to whip out our iPhones to show off that rose to our girlfriends. Better to just stick with the real deal, fellas.
Farm Your Own Pearl Kit. I’m going to make an exception – if you’re in love with a marine biologist, this might actually be a really great gift. Otherwise, don’t do it. If you can’t afford a pearl, don’t make her farm her own. You should punt and go with your backup plan, which should probably be a heart-shaped chicken biscuit.
Happy Valentine’s Day, everybody!