You should probably cue up the Olympic theme song and play it while you read this

First off, I’d just like to say that I admire people who train their bodies for years to compete in the Olympics. Those sports go largely unnoticed for 4 years at a time, and then for 2 solid weeks, the whole world watches. That’s a lot of pressure. You have one shot to impress people who will likely not pay one bit of attention to what you do for the next 4 years. No offense, Olympians. None taken, I’m sure.

What I like most about the Olympics is that you can sit on your couch eating whatever you want, and still feel like you’re a part of Team USA. Also, you can critique people who work way harder than you do and sporting events you know nothing about, and still hit the pillow feeling good about yourself. What I’m trying to say is that some of us compete, and some of us sit on our couches eating Ding Dongs and watching those who do. The beauty of the Internet is that even the Ding Dong eaters of the world have a voice on matters of athletic prowess and competition. Since it’s List Wednesday here at BiME, I thought it would be a great time for me to share with the world, that has surely been waiting with baited breath, some of my own Olympic ponderings.

I bet the two people who came up with synchronized diving crack up laughing every time they see it on TV, because they were just goofing off. Also, they’d been drinking. 

If everyone began their work day with a smile and a wave like gymnasts, and then ended it by landing a dismount with arms raised in victory, I think we’d all be a little more productive. In fact, why don’t you go ahead and try that out at your office tomorrow, and let me know if I’m right.

People would probably be more interested in archery and rifling if the target was a big ol’ giant cut-out of Joseph Kony. It would also help bring a certain sense of unity round the globe that is currently lacking in the games. Kony 2016. How ’bout it, Olympic Committee?

If I played women’s beach volleyball, I think I’d try really hard to make the side-hug more popular. I’m just saying…but I’m not saying it to their faces or anything, because the women who play that sport are really fit, and I bet they could catch me pretty easily if I tried to run away from them. Also, they seem to be very comfortable with their own bodies. Come to think of it, they seem to be very comfortable with the human body in general. Where else is it socially acceptable to congratulate another woman by slapping her on the barely covered behind? 

And speaking of people who are very comfortable with their bodies, let’s talk about water polo. They say it’s a lot like hockey. I can see that, only in water polo, instead of taking someone’s jersey off over his head, you go underwater and pants him. I bet the water polo players are the biggest pranksters in the Olympic Village. I mean, right off the top of my head, I can think of a few funny things to do with those caps they wear.

Your sport is walking. Even with a second gold medal around your neck, Wheaties wasn’t going to call you for a photo shoot. Come on, man. What’s next? Will we find out the ping pongers are doping, too? What is wrong with people these days? 

You know you’ve watched too much Olympic coverage if…you try getting into bed at night the exact same way Yang Hak-Seon vaulted for the gold. Hypothetically speaking.

I’m thinking I’d probably struggle on the balance beam, since I have trouble walking through open doors in my house without slamming my shoulder into the door frames

It would be cool if the Olympics were more like elementary school field day – tug of war, water balloon toss, obstacle course through tires. Also, everyone would have purple and red stained upper lips from the sno cones, and they would all get one of those green “Participant” ribbons. That way, everybody’s a winner. 

I feel bad for the gymnasts because those leotards really ride, but the camera is always watching. A discreet wedgie fix probably takes just as many hours in the gym to practice as a double back with double twist. 

You have to respect female swimmers, because they obviously do NOT care how they look in those caps and goggles. That’s all I’m going to say about that; otherwise, after the beach volleyball girls chase me down, the swimmers might want to take their turn beating me to a pulp.

I don’t even know where to start with you, synchronized swimming. Wait, yes, I do – nose plugs. And how does a person even get discovered in that sport? I mean, does the YMCA offer synchronized swimming as a class? And if so, do people I know take it? Why wasn’t that all-male team from Great Britain allowed to compete? Wait, never mind…I know this one.
I asked Clay how he thinks a person gets her start as a synchronized swimmer. He said it probably always starts by watching Caddyshack. I guess that’s as good an answer as any.

The pommel horse would be more interesting if the Olympians were required to balance a cup of tea in one hand. Or if it was done as a musical routine performed to the Cotton-Eyed Joe.

When I’m in the pool, I look pretty much exactly like those Olympic swimmers. Just subtract all the movement and add a float.

Let’s be honest, no one cares about the bronze. Third place in the whole wide world is really pretty good, if you think about it. But thanks to people like Michael Phelps and his 18 gold medals, no one who isn’t your mom is all that impressed. It’s so hard to please the couch-sitting Ding Dong eaters of the world.

Well, I guess that about sums it up for me. But I’d love for you to comment with your own deep thoughts about the Olympics. There’s plenty of material I left untouched – weightlifting, rhythmic gymnastics, women’s judo – and who knows? Participants might even get a green ribbon.

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i also have some olympic ponderings. mind if i share?

1) the pommel horse would be more interesting if they performed it on an actual horse.

2) the IOC should include a normal person running in the track events so everyone can see just how fast the olympians are.

3) the archery competition should offer a golden arrow to the winner, awarded by a cruel and power-hungry IOC official, in the hopes of a robin hood character emerging. (the media would go crazy with that one)

4) they should offer a human catapult competition. just combine a women’s gymnast and 1-2 shot putters and voila–awesomeness. they’d judge the launch, total distance traveled, style/tricks while airborne, and obviously the landing.

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